hopeless_4ever's Xanga

the bus ride kiss

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 10:40:11 GMT

random flashes of light trail by. looking out the bus window, i feel the nowhere's gaze. it's so lonely, an abandoned night sky that beckons for my consort. i yawn and turn my attention to my sleeping mistress.

"sorryyyyyyyy," she bemoans, with her face still buried in my neck.
"no need to apologize," i tell her.

the certainty of a fleeting moment is that, by its infallible end, it can never be exactly duplicated. i'm sure that the moonlight's peeking glare will never rest against her cheeks quite so gracefully again... nor will i ever sift my fingers through her hair in exactly the same manner. all i really am is this instant, a second hand on her wristwatch. i'm a memory for her to carry.

she looks up and asks, "do you think i'm weird for smelling you all the time?"
"no," i answer, "in fact, i think it's cute."
"OKAY!" she blurts out and proceeds to dig even further with her nose.

i hear her sniffs, her whiffs, and enjoy being smothered by her piquant affection. our time is running out, she already knows. in the overhead compartment, our days are packed in suitcases and bags - each of us wishing we had room for more. she takes notice of my pensiveness, sits up and stares at me.

"it's so amazing that you're next to me," she smiles, "i still keep asking myself if this is real or if i'm only dreaming!"
"well, i could pinch you and we'll find out," i tell her.
"but even that still wouldn't be enough," she hugs my arm, "i need to see you, hear you, touch you, smell you..."

she stops one phrase short. her lips have said all but the one thing they desire most. and i know there will never be a moment more right than this one, with her longing eyes enchanting me so daintily... i hold her chin up and lean closer, her body paralyzed as her pulse hastens with anticipation. ba bump ba bump. i close my lips on hers and breathe into her the secrets of my beating chest. my lips leave her with a smile and a whisper,

"now you've felt me with all of your senses."

she's speechless. i can see her blush even in darkness... then, all the lights suddenly turn on like a spotlight on cue. the bus has reached a pit stop.

"ummmm," visibly embarrassed, i don't know what else to say. we both start laughing. damn that bus driver - what a way to sabotage a perfect moment!

Terminal 5, Exit B

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 10:45:35 GMT

O'Hare airport in Chicago, Terminal 5, Exit B... two years ago, but it feels like yesterday. my love waited there... little did she know that i came through Exit A by mistake, so i snuck up behind to surprise her. that's when she screamed and kissed me, teary-eyes that said, "i missed you". wrapped around me like a koala bear, the way i wish she held me now. we danced in the spotlight of onlooking eyes.

during my months in japan, i kept a journal. a page in it reads, "there's one moment that i think about every day. the day i left home (on April 1st), she clinged to me, smiled, and said, "April Fools! you're not leaving!" though it must've been hard... so hard, but she tried to make the best of the situation. it's her inner strength that amazed me. and it's my most favorite moment, the moment that changed everything, because that's when i realized that she was the 100% perfect girl, and the only one for me."

second chances don't come often. God only knows why i pushed that girl away, the one girl who never gave up hope on me. so, now i'm standing by Exit B and waiting for my mother to return from her Frankfurt flight... except i'm secretly hoping for someone else to come out. impossible, i know... but a panic strikes hard, like she should be here and i can almost see her next to me again... deja vu, with tears swelling under my eyelids.

feelings rushing back to me, memories i can't escape. and to make matters worse, the airport customs are dragging the wait. i start pacing back and forth, feel like screaming out her name. never knew i was this weak. found new hands to hold, new lips to kiss, but the heart still remembers her. the truth is... i miss her.

"heyy! where were you looking?" my mother says, "you didn't even notice me coming out!"
and i breathe out a deep sigh of relief.
"welcome home," i tell her, "now let's get out of here."

on the drive home, i look back at the airport.
"how about another chance?"
"no," i tell myself, clutching her friendship ring around my neck,
"it's too late for that now."

surrender to time

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 10:32:46 GMT

on your list, i'm just a number. i passed through your life like a breeze across a half-empty page in your diary. tell me, darling, if you ever think of me - if somewhere in your heart is a treasure chest full of our abandoned memories.

photos of you, resting on my dusty shelf like snow-covered leaves, remind me of the winter when we met, winter when we kissed, winter when we parted.. sometimes your eyes would leak sadness like beautiful flowers that wither before dawn. maybe you somehow knew that, like everything else, we'd fade away in time.. but your glance still touches me as if it's the first one.

i'm but a doll that can't feel pain, hopelessly derailed by following your footsteps silently. i wait for you to pick me up and unravel me. but changing tides obscure our paths, taking with them my heaviest of tears. it now rests with the delegates of fate to decide if we'll still be companions in the coming years. after tonight, this night of no sleep,

do you ever think that it's too late for dreams?

love, love

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:24:11 GMT

i saw a meteor shower tonight. the stars, they fall so quickly and disappear in less then a second. if you just blink, then you might miss one. but the moment you see a light streak across the night sky, you would swear that it's the most beautiful half-second-long experience ever... except that another star will soon shoot by, and that one will become the most beautiful ever. but it, too, will in no time become outdated as you glance elsewhere in the sky and eagerly anticipate the next one. so what could one lone shooting star, in a thousand of others, ever hope for? after its moment is gone, there will always be another one to outshine it. it's only a matter of time.

a fickle affair, don't you think?

brand new day

Sat, 09 May 2009 21:45:46 GMT

i never thought i'd see her again. don't know if she missed me like i missed her. but it doesn't matter. she was there. i hope that she won't give up on me yet. but i get this feeling, that tomorrow will be different, that she'll turn silent again.

update: i was right. F my life.

on the wire

Fri, 08 May 2009 08:36:40 GMT

call me now, baby. you can't keep running home. when no one wants you, i still keep my faith in you. i still see the best in you.

call me now, baby. if you feel like screaming, i'll scream there with you. we'll climb your hill and shout until our lungs give up. let it all go now.

call me now, baby. our time is short. no words could make you mine again, but theirs can always take you away. please remember that i love you.

call me now, baby. give my life a meaning. everything that's special in me is you. without you, i'm a ghost.

call me now, baby.

wanted what i couldn't have

Sun, 03 May 2009 10:38:48 GMT

the moment i first saw her, i looked up and made a little prayer. she was so beautiful, standing in the middle of the dance floor. when we danced, i looked up again and whispered, "thank you". her body heat made me melt like a piece of jell-o. we talked throughout the night.. she was smiling the whole time, even when she called me an asshole. if this is all supposed to be just a game, then why is my heart ready to burst? she was just the kind of girl i like - a sassy and down-to-earth lady, her shy eyes hinted at her vulnerability. take my hand, let's have an adventure. oh no, a boyfriend? suddenly, i'm broken like a fallen kite.

she drove me home. suddenly, i didn't have much to say. and it was a long ride. don't know if i'll see her again, but at least i have a picture of us :)

sign your name across my heart

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 22:26:16 GMT

there's a girl that's on my mind. in the quietest corners of my consciousness, she is always there. truth to be told, i try not to think about her much.. but her name is so much a part of me; it's unique and impossible to forget. if i mention a Sarah or Jessica, people ask, "Jessica who?" or "fill-in-the-name who?" but her name is something else. there is only one of her.

just a couple of years ago, i had a habit of doodling her name on paper, instead of taking notes in class. and i did all kinds of different designs: cursive and printed, jagged and loopy, or graffiti-like. it was my secret little obsession, though i don't think she knew about it. i even kept some of those paper scraps long after the semester was over, only because of their sentimental value.

i sadly parted ways with the one-whose-name-shall-not-be-mentioned. but i am still her friend, even though i can't do much to show it. whether my name is still alive in her mind, i might never know for sure. in the meantime, however, my scribbling habits continue to evolve. in a bathroom somewhere in Wisconsin, for example, i engraved her name with a heart next to it. but the very next day, that same door was freshly repainted by the management and i wondered if anyone got a chance to appreciate my work of art. then, on a train station in Chicago, i scratched the same thing on a freshly painted white pole with my fingernails, all the while looking paranoically left and right to avoid being spotted. i also wrote her a message in the snow. and on fresh, drying concrete of a sidewalk... whenever i saw an opportunity, i always did it. by now, all of them have probably faded away, but at least i tried to make sure that at any point in time her name lived on a surface somewhere. that she is loved no matter where she goes.

i guess you could say that i do it out of boredom, and that is very true. but one day, if she happens to pass by a poster ad somewhere and sees her name marked across a heart, then maybe... just maybe... it might make her smile a little. for someone who is on the margin of being a stranger, it is the most i could hope for. that one moment would make it all worth it!

spin me 'round again

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:29:35 GMT

there she was, sitting to the right of me.. and my eyes couldn't resist her. i felt like that same high school boy, all giddy every time i talked to her in the library. there was no place i'd rather be after school than beside her, pretending to do my homework while she studied quietly. in those moments of serenity, she always wore a calm face with a hint of a smile that brought joy in my heart every time.

seven years later, i was surprised to find out that she had liked me too..

"how could you have liked a geek like me?" i asked.
"well, you were a really nice guy. and i liked talking to you.."
"so... if i had asked you to be my girlfriend..."
"i would've probably said 'yes'. all you had to do was ask!" she said in her matter-of-fact voice.
"if i had known that," i confessed, "i would've been the happiest guy in school, like i was on top of the world!"
"oh, whatever..." she laughed.
"it's a shame that i never made a move," i said.
"well, why didn't you?"
"i don't know," i paused, "i didn't have a job or money to date you."
"so what? we could've just hung out, watched a movie, or walked in the park.. i'm not that expensive!"
"well, i also didn't drive, and i didn't have a car."
"like anyone did at the time!" she rebutted, "you could've ridden the bus, or a bicycle!"
"i guess you're right," i finally admitted, "the truth is that i was too shy. maybe if i had seen you more often, i could've gathered enough courage to do it."
"yeah, i don't know what happened. i didn't see you for a while... and then i got a boyfriend."
"you snooze, you lose," i said, "well.. not you! i was the one who snoozed!"

we both laughed and continued to talk about other things. allthewhile, i kept gazing at her eyes. her beauty still stops me in my tracks. and though people rarely get second chances, i have a feeling that it simply wouldn't be the same if we got together. maybe i don't want to complicate our friendship or taint those perfect memories that i have of her. maybe i like to appreciate her from a distance. or maybe i'm inventing more excuses not to ask her.

i think it's too late for me anyway.

463 heartbeats

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 07:31:18 GMT

dance with me. close your eyes and move your body against mine. you will never be as beautiful as now. it will all be over soon. this is the last time i'll get to hold you. the last kiss i'll ever get.

after tonight, you won't look at me with those same loving eyes. after tonight, i won't recognize you anymore. it won't be long before you leave me for another man. and i will move on too. i'll get a haircut and replace my wardrobe. i'll get my shit together. i will even learn to dance better. but you will be gone by then.

i will never call. you will never answer. any promises will be broken. but you will shine in the spotlight again. yes, eventually, you'll be as happy or even happier than now. and you'll do me good and proper, for my heart will never reach the utmost bliss it feels right now, while you are still next to me.

i only have tonight to cherish, because tomorrow we are doomed. and if only you could stay a little longer, i would do anything. but i know that you must go. so this is goodbye, my brown-eyed girl, or whatever your name is.